Well Somethings You Can't Help...

And some you can. Bill and me had out appointment yesterday. Many issues came up, like what ind of job I would see myself doing. I told him I'd be happiest in my own little cubicle, with a to-do list, a set method to do the to-do list, with no interruptions, and once I was done, I'd head home. He then asked if I have looked into Transcribing, and a few other jobs I honestly didn't think of. Very odd to get job advice from my therapist!

His point was that, once I graduated from college three years ago, I had no course of action, no plan or over arching dream. I was hoping that the degree itself would help me fid what I needed and bam! I'd have a career, and a house, and a family... That I was doing what I was expected to do and not what I enjoy. Which of course led to me failing. Over and over again.

So I'm kinda working on what I enjoy. But right now all I enjoy is gaming, and sorta passing off my pecking and the keys as writing. My ma dosen't take my working from home seriously, but I wish she would. I wish I could look into the future and see if this path is right for me. But I've never felt so involved and useful as I have these last couple of months...

The other issue I'm gunna haveta worth through is my overarching guilt. I feel that I've let many people down, especially my ex. I've dragged him down due to me not Working. He dosen't say it, but I feel that he blames some of the (admittedly not that horrible) events that happened to him were because of me.

Bill askes, why didn't he walk away then? Why did he keep on shelling out money for bills I never paid? Did he use the car more than I? And I had to admit- he had every chance to leave but I saw that as his devotion to me. Now I'm sitting here, wondering if he's just using me as a means to scape goat.

I don't know, and am unsure if I should even breach this issue with him. We still live together , and sorta get along, and I know that he still cares deeply, but I feel more and more distant per day. So, I walk away from my session in a feeling of limbo, afraid to step foward with everything, and yet afraid to step back and flounder. I foresee troubling times ahead before everything get 'better'.