It took a 'child' to fix things.

I probably haven't mentioned this, or hell chatted in a while.

But it's been 1 year since being in my own living space with my guy.

Things admittedly weren't the best. Taking two people who were all sorts of shook up from a lengthy break up just to suddenly cram them together and act like nothing happened is very, very hard. I mean the attraction is there, but to turn on the lovey dovey at the flick of a switch just isn't easy.

Maybe it was denial. Or obliviousness. But I though for a while things were okay. Then a blow up between an ex friend that pretty much burned her own bridges with me brought said problems to the fore. Mainly the distance. We clearly live together, but he spends time in one room, I in another. We barely hung out.

The situation with the brat made us talk seriously about it and why things were the way they were. Things were said; I simply felt more hurt than I thought about past things. He...wants children. The children question is why he was distant. He wants them. I had to come to terms that I just didn't.

Now if this was one year in, we could've properly separated our feelings and moved on. But this is going on 11 years now. Feelings *are* invested if not entrenched. We could move on but it would really, really hurt. It's not a fear of being alone - it's the fear of not finding that level of comfort with anyone else ever again. He 'get's me'. I'd like to think I 'get' him. Both our sets of parents remark how alike we are and how one bounces off/puts up with the other so easily.

Starting over is frightening because we care THAT much about the other. So. We talked, for weeks. Months. Thought of alternate arrangements (still working on that) for having him achieve his Fatherhood dream - just not with me.

But in doing so, we've gotten closer. We stopped huddling behind this 'wall'. The 'wall of hesitation' I call it. We without even thinking on it renewed our lease here. I mean why renew with a person you don't want to be with? Having a place to live and a place to call home is not remotely the same. I learned that the hard way with my grandma. Touching is more common than not. Talking isn't stilted. I don't just see him when he says a hi or bye. So far I think things are improving.

Soo...I actually thank this ex friend. She got us talking again. Well I would thank her, but I have better things to do. Like bang the shit out of my bf :P

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